Fearing the dark

Night brings darkness in more than one form. Not only the darkness of the sky, but also the darkness in my heart. It brings the darkness of pain, loneliness, and despair. The night brings me confusion and a heart torn two ways. It provides the quiet and calm for my mind to run... Wild. It allows my mind to bring the searing pain filled broken heart I am feeling at this very moment. I despise the night. All of what it brings and represents. I'm alone with myself. I'm alone. Not entirely frightening for me just within itself. But the significance of the loss of my companion is what the night time brings.

I feel it less as time goes on, quicker I think than that of which is normal. For this I am thankful. But it is there nonetheless. I know I have all of who I need in my home right this very second, but that knowledge does nothing for the want of another. I have my beautiful son and myself. I do not need anyone else. Yet. Here in the black of night, I feel differently.

Wouldn't it be phenomenal to be able to truly switch off that part of you that gets hurt from another persons rejection? To be able to flip it off as easily as the light switch you use on the lamp beside your bed? The part that makes you vulnerable and susceptible to pain caused from another? Even love. As love usually is the culprit of the latter. To be able to make yourself not love. The thought is intoxicatingly desirable.

It's funny, I looked up the definition of the physical manifestation of a broken heart and the technical term is Cardiomyopothy. Funny isn't it, something we all have felt or will feel and there is no real scientific explanation. The heart does not feel love. Our brains pretty much make it up, yet it is the heart and stomach that feel the wonders of love and the painful ramifications of love lost.

It is almost always magnified and multiplied at night. You would think, during the day perhaps would be better. (As far as symbolism goes.) The bright of day shining the light of your pain or pleasure. But it is nighttime we all care about. Having that person to lie next to, to snuggle up against, to be with even when you are dreaming. Most everyone hates to be alone at night. I am only able to sleep without touching someone. But the knowledge that they are there is comforting even without the physical touching of the person. Who is more vulnerable than a sleeping person? To be able to find another you can sleep next to is the goal of this whole love game.

I hate the night. I hate the dark. I hate the pain it brings and the questions it allows me to think of. Does he, will he, won't he, why not, how.... I hate it because I have and am loving someone. Without love I cannot feel pain. Without pain. Night time would be nothing more than a time that the sun goes down and I rest my eyes. That to me seems so much more desirable than love. I have to turn off that switch. I have to put up those walls. No love. No pain. No fear of the dark