Growing up I was told a lot that I wasn't able to love properly. I was told I could never have a good close relationship with anyone, I was broken. I'm happy to report that the person (my Mother) who told me that and maintains that she is still correct in that opinion, is and has always been wrong. I can love just fine, I love my family and my friends. A lot. Without them I would be a small miserable human being. I love being there as much as I can for them and I love the happiness we can bring to each other. Relationships are challenging for me, but not impossible.
What made me think about this is the moments I have when I am looking at Andy or Owen and I am overwhelmed with how much they mean to me and how much I love them. Andy and I can be having a regular old conversation about nothing special and all of a sudden BAM it hits me. It is the best feeling I have ever had in my life. I love my friends so much too. There are moments when things happen that I'd like to strangle them, but overall the friends I talk to, hang out with, and who make time for me are supportive. They do not judge. They are wonderful human beings and I feel lucky to have them! I feel lucky to have a wonderful boyfriend and a super adorable and smart son.
I love my family too. My crazy, unhinged, weird family. I love my Mother despite her throwing away a brand new pair of sneakers I bought my son because they "looked small", or insisting on putting diapers on him and giving him a bottle (OH YES, a BOTTLE for a THREE year old) for his naps when I am trying to potty train him. I love her because despite all her crazy she has, when it really mattered, been there for me. She has stuck by my side through a lot of stuff, a lifetime of issues and she has remained dedicated to trying to ensure I am safe and secure. I have been unclear and angry with God about why He chose her. Why her? We drive each other CRAZY. She does a lot of mean and kind of insane things. We are oil and water. Ammonia and Bleach. Spicy food and a Nordic person... But recently, I realized all the time and effort she has put into me. Yes, she did a lot of it to try to make me into the person she thought I should be. But the fact of the matter is, she has probably thousands of hours invested into me and my wellbeing. I mean, most people probably would not have tried as long as she has. So, the thought occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, God planned it this way. Not to teach me a lesson about tolerance or my Mother about giving up some control. No lessons. Just the fact that Judy, despite her short comings, is a strong dedicated person with a crazy iron will. If she wants it, you'd better watch out.
So. The moral of this story is that I love. I love probably more than anyone else I know. I love my Mom, which trust me, take a lot. (Plus don't get me wrong there are still a lot of days when I totally hate her...) Loving my friends, Taylor family, Andy and Owen is easy. But I have so much freaking love in me and it makes me happy!
To be loved is a gift, but even greater is the ability to love back.
Growing up is fun isn't it?
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